Six Things I Bequeath to You

My friend Mattie wanted me to pass along this bit of wisdom to all her young females who are just starting out on life’s journey.  She calls it “Six things I bequeath to you”

  • I leave you my six-inch high heel shoes, the ones that made my feet scream at me as I strolled across the floor looking cute, trying to hide the pain that stabbed with each step. Despite the podiatrists’ warnings, they are now back in style.

  • I leave you my mini skirts that rose up whenever I sat down revealing parts of my body better left hidden. Try having a serious conversation with a man when his eyes are drawn not to your face, but to your legs.

  • I leave you my push-up bras. Same reason as above.

  • My false eyelashes that made me look like a lovesick cow. It was hard to keep them on my eyelids. Maybe today the glue is better. I lost one once and wondered why people looked at me strangely.

  • I leave you my children during their teenage years when they become creatures from another planet. What they put me through during their hormonal changes I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. When I’m in my dotage and they’ve grown into loving, respectful, and responsible adults, I’ll take them back

  • I leave you my cheating husbands and lovers. No details please, suffice it to say, you can have them.

I no longer worry about what others think of me. I welcome my spreading waistline, my graying locks, my droopy breasts, my failing eyesight and my growing wisdom. I welcome comfortable shoes, elastic-band sweat pants, oversize tee shirts and invisibility.

“Only six things?” I asked Mattie.    “When I think of more, I’ll let you know.” 

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