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Turn Off, Tune in, and Open Up

“Turn it off! Just turn it off!” my friend Mattie admonished me. My blood pressure was rising as I ranted and raved about what I’d heard on TV. She reached over, grabbed the remote from my hand, and turned the set off. It took several minutes before I felt myself relaxing, giving in to the silence, my emotions returning to normal.

What was I ranting about? With so much happening on the international, national, and local levels of society – political, financial, and religious manipulation; wars, right and left wing rhetoric, health care debates, high unemployment, it’s enough to have one shouting at their radio, TV, computer, or worst, carrying guns openly and threatening those we disagree with.

Mattie told me of two people she knew – Vernon and Lincoln. Both represent two sides of the political spectrum, liberal and conservative. They are swayed by pundits, and even though they have never been included in a survey, they feel that issues are one way or the other, repeating talking points they’ve heard, getting angry with each other over things they’ve read about such as abortion, gun control, gay rights, the country’s budget deficits when they can’t balance their own checkbook. They are always looking outward and seldom inward. What results is they are not open, not in touch with their feelings and their own reasoning powers. Though they were childhood friends, they no longer speak to each other except to argue.

“Find your own way by looking closer to home,” she advised me. “It’s okay to be aware of what goes on in society; it’s important to take a stand, vote, and participate in our civic duty; however, you must discover the facts for yourself rather than repeat what others say. You mustn’t let outside forces rule your emotions. Pay attention to things that directly affect you and things you can control.”

I’ve come to realize that family, friends, neighbors, and even strangers are more important than what someone says on TV. When I look around I see people helping people, being kind to one another, relating to each other as one human being to another regardless of a label placed on them. If we allow others to manipulate our emotional lives, to define reality for us, we are blocked or hindered from real relationships with others. If we judge people by assigning labels to them and treating them according to those labels, we diminish ourselves. The best advice Mattie gave me was to turn off, tune in and open up to life.

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A Lifetime of Learning Revisited

First posted in March, 2010

“What you want to do that for?” Lincoln, an old acquaintance, said when I told him I was thinking of taking a class in photography. I explained that I’d bought a new camera and wanted to know how to take professional quality photographs. “Are you thinking of becoming a professional photographer?” he asked. “No, I just want to learn to take better pictures.”

“I’ll show you how,” he said. “Shouldn’t take more than five minutes. Just point at the person or object, make sure your back is to the sun and press the shutter. Simple.” He didn’t see any reason to spend time in a class to learn something that would be of little use. “You can’t make any money from it. Besides, you’re retired. Why waste your time?”

He and I have argued about other things. Like me, he’s been retired for a number of years. He spends his time watching TV,  complaining about the state of the world and finding ways to kill time. “for what?” I ask him. He doesn’t reply. I tell him I don’t want to kill time. “There’s so much I don’t know and so much I want to learn.”  However, Lincoln sees no value in learning for the sake of learning. Why study if you don’t have to? is his attitude. He shakes his head and takes out a magazine from his back pocket.

Whether it is formal or informal, for me, learning is a lifetime endeavor. Formal learning is what is taught in school following a prescribed curriculum. When we are young, mandatory education during those primary and secondary years prepares us to become good citizens, good consumers, and productive members of society. Formal learning in college or technical schools also has an end result – a diploma or a certificate of achievement. The reward can be monetary or professional development and sometimes acknowledgment from others. Formal learning can also be undertaken when one wants to learn a skill or to enhance ones knowledge of a subject.

Informal learning is personal. It involves being attentive to the things around you and purposely pursuing to understand them and in doing so, to understand yourself as well. There is no set curriculum. You determine what you want to learn, how and why. You are not restricted by time. The reward is internal and the results satisfying.

Informal learning doesn’t have to be expensive.

  • Start with your local library. It contains a wealth of information. When I had the opportunity to study on my own, I read works written by authors I’d heard about. Studying their body of work was more satisfying because I could take my time. I didn’t need to take a test to prove what I’d learned. In addition,  I checked out all types of music including blues, classical and jazz and found many I loved. If there was something I wanted to know, I did research about it in the library.
  • Another place of learning is the museum. Some charge a nominal fee, others are free.
  • During the summer, parks have free or inexpensive concerts.
  • If there is a college nearby, attend a free lecture.
  • If you like to garden but don’t have a lot of space, consider container gardening. A friend of mine grows wonderful vegetables like tomatoes, onions, peppers in pots on her patio.
  • Another friend learned to make wine and soap from a book she got from the library.
  • My friend Mattie taught herself to knit, crochet and macrame.

It doesn’t matter what it is, learning keeps your mind fresh and open. The more you learn, the more you will want to learn. Age is not a barrier. In other words, an old dog can learn new tricks. Others, like my friend Lincoln, may wonder why anybody would want to learn things which have no monetary value and are not needed in our modern lives today. Everyone should explore the world around them. They will find learning to be rewarding, enriching and life enhancing.

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A Smile

There are some people who when you look at them you would think they were always in a bad mood. The look on their faces signal, “Don’t bother me. Don’t say anything to me. I’m not interested.” Not my mother. My mother’s smile would light up a room. It was her natural expression. I can’t remember her ever frowning much. I’m not saying she went around with a smile on her face all the time. It’s just that she had a pleasant face, a gentle face that appeared to the outside world that she was approachable, non-threatening. Some people when they see a person smile take it for weakness and get set to take advantage. My mother related once that her co-workers would sometimes get annoyed at her because of her smile. “Don’t you ever get mad?” They’d ask her. Of course she got angry, particularly at things she deemed unjust or unfair. On her job, she was a shop steward, a union representative. Co-workers would come to her if they had a grievance against management and she would represent them. And she taught her children to stand up for their rights. She was not a push-over. But it was her smile that I will always remember. My mother’s smile was her legacy to me.

In a world filled with disaster – earthquake in Haiti, wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, conflict between the Palestinians and the Israelis, how can I write about smiling? Am I being  naive? I don’t think so. On the one hand, a smile can be used to seduce, to disarm, or to manipulate. On the other hand, an honest smile, one that comes from the heart, can brighten a person’s day. No matter how bad I feel, or if I’m having a horrible day, when someone smiles at me, for that moment, my mood lightens. A smile can connect one person to another as if to say, “I understand.” It can signal that a person is receptive, approachable. Sometimes when I’ve smiled at others, I’ve noticed frowns briefly disappear. I have a friend who always has a serious expression on her face. When I first met her, I kept my distance thinking she was unfriendly. But then I saw her smile. It was radiant. It changed my perception of her. A smile is a reminder that we should not take life so seriously and that we are not alone. There is much to cry about, but there is also much to smile about. When I wake up to a new day, or look at nature, a flower, a tree, a child’s face, innocent  and curious, or when I hear a person’s laughter, I can’t help but smile.

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Six Things I Bequeath to You

My friend Mattie wanted me to pass along this bit of wisdom to all her young females who are just starting out on life’s journey.  She calls it “Six things I bequeath to you”

  • I leave you my six-inch high heel shoes, the ones that made my feet scream at me as I strolled across the floor looking cute, trying to hide the pain that stabbed with each step. Despite the podiatrists’ warnings, they are now back in style.

  • I leave you my mini skirts that rose up whenever I sat down revealing parts of my body better left hidden. Try having a serious conversation with a man when his eyes are drawn not to your face, but to your legs.

  • I leave you my push-up bras. Same reason as above.

  • My false eyelashes that made me look like a lovesick cow. It was hard to keep them on my eyelids. Maybe today the glue is better. I lost one once and wondered why people looked at me strangely.

  • I leave you my children during their teenage years when they become creatures from another planet. What they put me through during their hormonal changes I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. When I’m in my dotage and they’ve grown into loving, respectful, and responsible adults, I’ll take them back

  • I leave you my cheating husbands and lovers. No details please, suffice it to say, you can have them.

I no longer worry about what others think of me. I welcome my spreading waistline, my graying locks, my droopy breasts, my failing eyesight and my growing wisdom. I welcome comfortable shoes, elastic-band sweat pants, oversize tee shirts and invisibility.

“Only six things?” I asked Mattie.    “When I think of more, I’ll let you know.” 

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Stepping out of your comfort zone

I remember when I was a little kid, and like most kids I loved to explore, to venture into unknown areas, to discover new things and try to learn how they worked; that is until Mama or Daddy slapped my hands to keep me from harming myself. That adventurous spirit continued into my teenage years sometimes leading me to take chances, some reckless, some not so, depending upon the influence of my friends. I would venture into places where I didn’t know what to expect. Fortunately, no harm resulted. As a young adult, the first big chance I took was when I moved away from family and friends and across the country to a state where I didn’t know anyone and did not have a job waiting. I had saved a little money to tide me over for a few weeks until I could find a place to stay and employment. (Jobs in those days were plentiful.) Somehow I managed to survive, but as time went by, responsibilities and obligations set in. And with those obligations and responsibilities came fear leaving me little time to think about much less follow any adventurous nature.

Many older people have traveled down the same road. In our youth, with no obligations or responsibilities hindering us from following the call of the wild except maybe family pressures, we take chances. Then, as we become adults, our fears change and in some instances grow. Not the childhood fears of the bogyman or the teenage fears of not fitting in, but adult fears that spring from the need to support a family, to find a job that satisfies, to raise our children to be loving, responsible adults, to make enough money not just to get by but not to have to worry about paying bills. With so much to consider, it’s no wonder our spirit for adventure becomes buried. When those responsibilities have been met, the children grown, and we settle down to enjoy our mature years, sometimes another fear invades our senses. We want to explore but we feel we must know the outcome before we venture out of our comfort zone. The need to think ahead gets in the way of answering that call to adventure. By adventure, I don’t mean doing something dangerous or life-threatening. I mean finding that spark that you had when you were younger, trusting in your judgment and following your heart. What do you have to lose? There is nothing sadder than regrets; wishing you had done something, but had let the opportunity go by. Keep in mind that life is fuller and more rewarding when we step out of our comfort zone.

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Exercise – A Little Goes A Long Way

I’ve been active most of my life either taking long walks to get away from my overcrowded home. Our door was always open to family members and friends; hence, our small Harlem apartment was many times filled with relatives and friends. Taking long walks from 145th Street to 125th Street, through Central Park and down to 59th Street was part of my young years.

When I moved out to L.A. I continued to walk, swim at the local pool, and practice yoga with Lilias who had a show on TV. At that time, exercise wasn’t a big thing as it is today. I never thought of my activity as an exercise regimen. These were just some things I enjoyed doing. I didn’t get into a formal exercise program until I joined the gym some years later. I began going to an aerobics class and worked out on the weight machines. This was followed by a step aerobics class until my knees gave out. No matter how hard I worked out, I could never keep up with others in those classes. Refusing to punish my body any further, I dropped out and did my own thing when I felt like it. Though I saw no dramatic changes in my weight or my physique, I did notice that my stamina increased, I became more flexible, and my strength improved.  Over the years, while I don’t participate in any of the high energy exercises enjoyed by many young people, I am like the turtle, slow and steady, knowing that it is a lifetime endeavor.

Studies show that regular exercise improves overall health,

  • improves stamina
  • boosts the immune system, making your body more resistant to disease and infection
  • helps prevent obesity
  • reduces the risk of heart disease
  • acts as a natural tranquilizer to help relieve stress, anxiety and depression
  • lubricates joints, thus easing aches and pains associated with arthritis
  • helps build strong, denser bones and decreases the risk of crippling osteoporosis
  • staves off, or improves many of the common disorders typically associated with aging
  • promotes an active life.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines the word “exercise” as activity that requires physical or mental exertion, especially performed to develop or maintain fitness. There are many ways to include physical activity into your everyday routine. The best kiind of physical activity is one where you are doing something you enjoy. I know a lady in her seventies who dances around her house daily to music she enjoys. And another who spends her day in her garden. And still another in her eighties who practices yoga and swims. I have a friend who at 102 still bowls. Whichever activity you choose to do, it should be part of your life.

It’s never too late to begin as long as you have a doctor’s approval especially if you have been inactive for a long time. Remember, a little exercise goes a long way.

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Getting Technology Savy

The other day, I visited my friend Mattie who had recently moved into senior housing. I hadn’t seen her in a few months and I wanted to see how she was settling in and to show off my new gadget. I showed her my new iphone. “It does just about everything except cook a meal and run your bath water,” I said. She laughed and shook her head. “Things have really changed from when I was a little girl. All these new inventions, I can’t keep up,” she said. “It seems that just when I become comfortable with one thing, it’s obsolete.” Although it is a struggle, Mattie tries. she’s still learning how to use her new laptop computer. She uses it mostly to send emails to her children and other relatives, to pay her bills online, and to surf the web for anything she happens to be interested in.

She told me about her next door neighbor who refuses to even consider all the new technological advances. “Vera is the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. I tried to tell her she needed to get rid of her corded phone and get a cordless. That way she wouldn’t miss so many calls.” I told Mattie I, too, had had a hard time giving up my corded phone for the cordless. “And what would we do without the cell phone?” I asked. We were watching an old movie where the heroine was being chased by the villain. She tried to find a phone booth to dial the police. “If she had a cell phone, she wouldn’t have had that problem,” Mattie commented.

She said she spoke to her neighbor about getting a cell phone, but Vera didn’t want to hear it. “Why would anyone want to carry around a phone with them all the time? When I’m out in the street, all I see are young folk with phones attached to their ears even when they’re with somebody. Instead of talking to each other, they’re talking on the phone!”

“I didn’t think it was important until one day when my car broke down right in the middle of the street,” said Mattie. “I looked around for a pay phone to call for help but couldn’t find one. I nearly panicked until a lady came up to me and offered to let me use her cell phone. That convinced me.”

I remarked that even if you don’t use the cell phone much, it’s good to have one in the home for emergencies. “Some organizations give cell phones to seniors for free. These phones are programmed to connect to 911.”

As I was getting up to leave, Mattie said she was thinking about getting a 52 inch TV and giving her 32 inch to her daughter. “When TV stations switched from analog to digital signals, my friend Vera waited until the very last minute to change. She hated giving up those rabbit ear.”

“Some people are afraid of change, especially technological changes,” I said. “I guess it is hard to give up something we’re use to.”

“If it wasn’t for the Wright Brothers, where would we be!” Mattie quipped. I love her sense of humor.

Mattie liked my iphone though I couldn’t explain how it worked. She pulled out her ipod and showed me. “My granddaughter gave this to me. She put on all my favorite songs.”

Here I thought I was there to persuade her to get tech savy, but she’s way ahead of me.